3 posts tagged “mommy guilt”

One thing I insisted I would never, never, never do once the baby came was allow him to sleep in my bed.

And then the baby came. And, after a shaky start, I got him back in his room without a good deal of drama.

But then I went back to work and caught a cold (that was replaced by the day care's sickness du jour), and with Baby C not sleeping through the nights (yet? I'm still holding out hope) and insisting on being fed every two and a half to three hours, the only way for me to get any rest was to take him to bed with me for feedings. And then I'd fall asleep, and in bed with me he would remain.

It seems like that was forever ago. And now I'm battling getting the boy to sleep in his own bed for longer than a few minutes. (I'm elated if he stays asleep long enough for me to shower.) I don't suppose it helps, either, that he's congested and that I can't seem to get that last gas bubble out of his tummy.

Thank God this crow is well-seasoned.

So I've been up now for the past two hours (not just awake, mind you, but actually up) trying to get Baby C to sleep in his own bed. He'll do it, but then as soon as I crawl back into the warm safety of my own bed, I'll hear him crying. Sometimes it's a cry of hunger. Every now and then it's a cry of pain (damned gas bubbles). But more often than not, it seems like it's a cry of frustration at being unable to fall asleep again after waking.

I get especially frustrated when it's this last type of cry, mainly because I wonder if my actions have hindered the learning of this very important skill. And then I feel exceptionally guilty all over again because I have to work and don't have the luxury of working with him on this at night and taking naps during the day. I feel like I need to take time off so I can help him figure out this sleeping thing and not have the affects of sleep deprivation affect me as severely as it does at work. And I'm also a little resentful that my husband can seem to sleep through all but the most ear-piercing shrieks while I jump at the faintest whimper. (I don't rush to the baby's side for the faintest whimpers; I just hear them and pay closer attention... which means I don't sleep.)

How did my mother handle this? Well, my grandmother was there to take care of me, for one, and for another, I slept through the night fairly early. My mother-in-law fed my husband cereal at two months so that he would sleep through the night. I'm not quite ready to go that route because (a) Dr W advised against it and (b) my husband has a number of tummy issues that I'd rather Baby C not experience.

Chris will be up in about 45 minutes, and I just put the boy down (again - the third time since I began writing this post). We'll see how he does. I'm hoping he sleeps for an hour, at least.

As for me, I have some crow to finish. But maybe I should save it for dinner tomorrow.

I don't know how other women do it. I like to think of myself as a strong, capable person, but I can barely scrape up any real time to myself anymore (besides the commutes to and from work). This is the first chance I've had to sit down at my home computer to write... and even now, I'm feeling guilty because there are other things I should be doing (not including sleep).

Besides, Baby C will be up soon (I think) for a feeding, and there's no use going to sleep until he wakes up.

So, I'm way behind on housework and am completely overwhelmed. I'm tackling it one task at a time, one step at a time, but it remains so very daunting. I'm way behind on laundry, I have dust piling up so high you can almost sit on it (okay, not really - but it's still gross), and my floors are in desperate need of a pass from the vacuum or the Swiffer.

And don't even get me started on all the Thank You cards I still have to write. Baby C is almost three months old and I still haven't sent out notes for all the presents that arrived after his showers.

I know, I know... It's stuff that we all have to go through. After my work day, I have to clean and sterilize all Baby C's bottles and nipples from school, put away the milk I've expressed for the day, get the next day's "lunch" bag ready, feed him, help bathe him (every other day), read to him, sing to him, play with him, feed him, change him, then finally put him down. And somewhere in there, I need to eat (I asked my husband weeks ago to take over dinner-making responsibilities), use the bathroom, take a shower, get my own stuff ready for the next day (because there's nothing more fun than running around in the mornings looking for stuff with an 11-week-old, even if he is in his Bjorn), and manage to get enough sleep to function the next morning.

Tomorrow, I'm not planning on taking Baby C outside. He and I will play together at home. And while Mommy does laundry (some currently running as I type), pays bills, cleans out the refrigerator, purges magazines and junk mail, vacuums, Swiffers, and does all the other things that have fallen to the wayside, he can sit (hopefully quietly) in his Bjorn.

And Mommy can only hope she doesn't fall on her face with Baby C still strapped to her!

So, on the heels of reading another Vox mom's post, I saw a segment this morning on the early, early, early news about the five friends every mom should have: a Role Model, a Twin, a Spontaneous Buddy, a Rebel Mom, and the Baby's Best Friend's Mom. Sad to say, I don't have any of these friends, save the "Role Model Mom" (my sister, who lives in another corner of the country). All my friends are either sans children (but thankfully tolerant of Baby C) or expecting babies of their own (which is to say they might fit other roles later, but not right now). And it really, really depressed me this morning.

Last week, I was searching desperately for something to do with Baby C on the weekends. It's in part to give my husband some time to work on desperately needed (and much procrastinated) home improvement projects, but also to get out with Baby C and meet other moms. (As my sister said, those early play dates aren't so much about the kids as much as they are about the moms having a chance to bond a bit.) You know what's even worse? We don't even have a park near us! Talk about depressing.

Moreover, I would have so many more options available to me if I were a stay-at-home mom. There's Strollercize, Lactation Luncheons, Kindermusic, and Baby Yoga - all during the work day and not really feasible for me. And this, of course, adds to the Mommy Guilt I feel every day I leave Baby C and day care and go to work. (Never mind that I wouldn't be able to afford any of these things if I wasn't working. Logic doesn't work when you're depressed.)

I'm still in search of something to do tomorrow with Baby C; I may hit a nearby Farmer's Market Sunday morning and see how that goes. In the meantime, I'll keep searching for ways to meet other moms with kids Baby C's age.