4 posts tagged “funny”

One of the nice things about having my family in town is the endless amount of comedic relief my nieces provide.

Last night, when I was dropping off my sister and her daughters at their hotel, M, my younger niece, chose not to get out of the car, choosing instead to stare at her reflection in the baby mirror I keep in the back.

"M," I said, "quit looking at yourself in the mirror. It's late, and you need to get out of the car."

"But I like looking at myself in the mirror!" she said. "I'm very pretty."

And she's so modest, too.

Meredith sent me this link, with a message: "I DARE YOU to read this and not laugh your ass off."

Always one to take a dare (never quite learned that lesson), I clicked on the link and proceeded to read.

Let's just say my ass is still there, but there was a good deal of stifled laughter coming from my desk!

POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects . Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this: You pay them! Offering frequent raises an d bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

You know, I think the only thing missing from this is a description of the orientation process. But that's probably left out for fear it could potentially turn away some applicants.

One of the drawbacks to my new diet, I've discovered, is that I'm not getting all the sugar I need. By this, I refer to the complex carbohydrates that one would find in, say, a few slices of wheat bread or a heaping pile of nice, fluffy mashed potatoes.

Anyway, this morning, I helped myself to a banana on my way to work from Baby C's school, then rushed to a meeting as soon as I arrived at work. By the time the meeting was over, it was almost 11:30, and I started feeling faint.

A coworker came by my desk as I was trying to quickly eat a bowl of oatmeal to ask me about something that was mentioned in our meeting. As soon as she saw me though, she said, "Eileen, are you feeling okay? You look really pale!" I assured I was fine, just a little light-headed, but nothing a full belly wouldn't fix. She asked me to describe a few more symptoms, then went back to her desk.

She returned a few minutes later, looking grave.

"According to WebMD," she said, "your symptoms indicate that you could be abusing cocaine, on methamphetamines, having a panic attack, or dealing with low blood sugar. So, at least we all know what the problem is." Then, very solemnly, she added, "I mean, we all know you're on crack."

This is why I love where I work.

I ended up going to the grocery store after this exchange and eating some foods with wheat ingredients for lunch. I'll monitor the baby closely this weekend, but I desperately needed serious food.