9 posts tagged “friends”
Generally speaking, I'm a very trusting person. Some might even say I'm too trusting.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to believe the best about people. I like thinking that people have genuinely good hearts and generous souls.
So, why, then, am I starting to reevaluate my opinions of people?
I have a number of acquaintances whose company I enjoy (most of the time), but I draw the line at calling them "friends" because I don't trust them. There are other people I know (many of whom I prefer to avoid) whose words and actions I carefully weigh because I can feel another purpose behind what they may say or do.
And it's exhausting.
I'm blatantly honest when I tell people my motives. I interviewed a coworker last month, for example, to write an article about her. I wanted to write a "Working Mom Spotlight" and asked if she would mind being my guinea pig. My goals, I clearly explained, were to (a) brush up on my interviewing skills, (b) write a decent article for submission and (c) have her pass the link to my article on to everyone she knew so that I could earn a bit of money from it. It was a very nice article, if I may say so myself, and I painted her and her side business in a very positive light.
I have another friend who is mad about fitness. So I offered myself as a guinea pig while she works on getting certification as a personal trainer. After all, I'd like to be a little more fit, and I like hanging out with her. In the interim, she's also helping me declutter my house by taking career clothes out of my closet and a few other odds and ends, too.
I don't think people mind my honesty when I explain the real motives behind certain actions. Maybe that would be a different story if I called up a friend and said something like, "Hey, I just want to gossip about so-and-so and want you to tell me all the bad things you think of her so I can later tell her what you said when she and I get together to gossip about you."
But I'm not that kind of person, anyway.
I found a home for some of my baby gear!
When The Boy was about a month old (and still Baby C), I desperately wanted a carrier to take him for walks around the neighborhood. I had registered for a Baby Bjorn but didn't receive it, so my mother and I went to Target and utilized the 10% registry closing discount and bought, among other things, a black Baby Bjorn.
It was really nice to have, and I loved carrying Baby C in it... until he got really heavy (17 lbs) and my poor back couldn't take it anymore. So I bought a Moby instead, and absolutely loved it. In hindsight, if I had to do it over again, I would have done my research on carriers while still pregnant and opted for the Moby from the beginning instead of the Bjorn. Well, you live and you learn.
Anyway, one of my good friends is having a baby in January, and I noted that she requested an Infantino carrier on her registry. So, I called her and told her about my (extremely gently) used Bjorn and asked if she would mind taking a hand-me-down. Naturally, as she's about 20 times more environmentally conscious than I, she said she would be happy to take it. ("Reuse" is, after all, one of the three Rs.) And I offered a few other things, all of which she was happy to take off my hands (stuff that was useful, after all; I just didn't need all of it), so I am going to pack up a box tonight and ship it off to her tomorrow.
Hooray!
She's also looking into cloth diapering, so I've offered myself as a resource on cloth diapering and other baby issues in general. (She's not getting my diapers, though. I'm not finished with them.) We grew up together (our parents were very good friends) and now live on opposite coasts, but I'm happy to offer help in any way I can, even from a distance. She's like a sister to me, after all.
Baby Rockstar (not the baby's actual name - they're keeping gender a surprise) isn't due until January, so I've still got time to collect some first year necessities to send her way.
Hooray!
If you could connect with one person from your past, who would it be and why?
Submitted by NayNay72.
Wow, this is kind of an interesting question as I've spent the past few weeks reconnecting with people from my past. I think I certainly have a longer list of people with whom I'd rather not reconnect, but there really are quite people on whom I'd like to check and see how they're doing.
But if I had to pick one, I would probably choose Kathleen. She and I were very good friends - best friends, at times - throughout most of elementary school, and we stuck together through seventh grade as we transitioned to junior high. Then by the end of eighth grade, we just started drifting apart. Maybe she grew up and I didn't; maybe we simply just grew apart. All I know is that we no longer had the same interests and stopped hanging out. We went to the same high school and still knew all the same people, but we just never hung out again. I was in drama and on yearbook and in the AP crowd, and she, well, wasn't. In fact, I can't think of a single extra-curricular with which she was involved. Hmm.
The crazy thing, though, is that I don't even know if we have anything in common anymore. I don't know. I'm sure there's some common ground left between us (after all, we went to the same schools for 15 years), but it's been 20 years since we last considered ourselves friends.
That said, I hope she's doing okay, wherever she is.
Friends.
This one required absolutely no thought, considering the events of the past few weeks. But I'd like to discuss a specific group of friends through this post.
I didn't pick my childhood friends. No, I really didn't. My parents chose them for my sister and me. You see, my parents immigrated to the United States in 1972 when my sister was still a toddler, and they knew very few people. My father's brother (one of four) was in the country, but they didn't really know anyone else.
If you're at all familiar with the Filipino culture, you will understand how difficult it is to be away from family. The Filipino culture is very matriarchal - the maternal figure, after all, gives life, nourishment, and comfort. These days, the tide might be changing and slowly shifting to a more patriarchal structure due in large part to the American colonization occupation influences in the country. But I digress.
Family is an important part of Filipino life. My cousins in the Philippines live very close in proximity to each other, and their children see each other frequently, if not almost daily. So I can only imagine how difficult it was for someone like my mother who, coming from a large family of her own, wouldn't have the built-in support network that she might have expected. I can't begin to imagine how lonely she and my father must have been those first few months.
The Christmas of 1972, my father sent out Christmas cards to everyone he knew from the Philippines who had moved to the United States. One morning, the phone rang while my father was at work, and my mother answered it. The man on the other line said he used to work with my father at San Miguel in the Philippines. My mother asked if he was Levy, whom he was, and spoke with him at length. He indicated that he received my father's Christmas card and asked where they lived.
The following day, Levy brought his wife and daughter to my parents' apartment visited with my mother and sister while waiting for my father to return home from work. (I think my mom said he drove all the way from Covina to Hollywood.) From that day forward, Cherry's family was forever linked with mine.
Another former San Miguel coworker was a close friend of my father's and was my sister's Ninong. My parents left the Philippines before he and his family immigrated. When Ninong Rey came to the country, he (and Tito Boy) stayed with my parents for a little while before moving into an apartment in the same building. My father was so happy to have close friends nearby, and before long, Ninong Rey's wife and two daughters were able to join him. Freni and Faye, the two girls, were close to my sister's age, and the three of them often played together. (Tito Boy's wife and daughters immigrated, as well, but my sister wasn't as willing to share her toys with his daughters. Neither was my mom overly fond of his wife. But again, I digress.)
Years passed. I was born in 1975 and met Cherry a few days after coming home from the hospital, then met Freni and Faye not long after that. A couple of years later, old college classmates of my parents' moved to the United States with two daughters of their own: Melissa and Mylah. Melissa was about the same age as my sister, and Mylah was about 16 months older than I was. The whole family was immediately welcomed into the circle, and we seven girls saw each other almost every weekend.
Cherry was the one who first showed me the video for Dexy's Midnight Runners' song and introduced all of us to the Go-Go's (not personally - just their music). Mylah introduced me to the Smiths and other complaint rock. From Melissa I gained an appreciation for Adam Ant and Prince. Freni loved Hall and Oates and Wham! - especially George Michael. Faye used to make fun of her sister (wait - she still does), and I was always in awe of her because she was the younger sister who told her bigger sister what to do!
Cherry, Faye and Mylah were all bridesmaids in my wedding. My sister was Matron-of-Honor, so all four families were represented beside me. I think the last time the seven of us saw each other, though, was my sister's 1996 wedding. Even then, though, not all the parents were there. I honestly don't remember when the four complete families were last together. That might have been Thanksgiving of 1991, when Cherry was pregnant and all the girls but I were in college.
A few months after my wedding, Ninong Rey passed. All four families were, again, represented, but not all of us were able to be there at the same time. One of the saddest images in my mind is that of my father, Tito Levy, and Tito Willy (Melissa and Mylah's dad) hovering over Ninong Rey's casket - the four of them together for the very last time. They were inseparable when we were all younger. They played bridge together, went fishing together, went camping together (with the whole family in tow), and were just inseparable. Seeing the four of them together for the last time was very sobering, and I wept while my mother patted my shoulder.
The day we learned of Mom's death, Ethylene and I met at LAX where we would later board a plane bound for Manila. As soon as they heard the news, Freni, Cherry, and Faye made immediate plans to meet us at the airport for dinner. There was absolutely no question - Cherry left work early and drove up from Orange County, Faye left her 3-week-old son with her mom, and Freni rushed to the airport from work. And the five of us sat at the airport together, each of us grateful for the bond we have. (Mylah was in Buenos Aires, or I'm sure she would have joined us, too, and Melissa lives too far north to join us at a moment's notice.)
For a very long time, my parents didn't have their families here in the United States. But even when uncles, aunts and cousins came to the country and lived in close proximity, I never felt the connection with these blood relatives that I did with my adopted extended family. Because that's what our four families became: one big extended family. We attended each other's graduations (or, at the very least, the parties) - and we had at least one graduation every year from 1983 until 1996. We went camping together. We accompanied our fathers to San Pedro when they went fishing. We played badminton at Cherry's house and spent Thanksgiving afternoons together watching The Twilight Zone marathons. Although I knew I really only have one sister, at times it felt like I had six. And when Ninong Rey died, it felt like I had lost a parent, too.
I think of all the gifts my parents have given me, the best gift was probably my sister (though she was technically here first). But a very close second would have to be my childhood friends. I didn't pick them; my parents did. And though I'm sure there were plenty of times I didn't really want to hang out with them, I'm glad our dads had an ongoing bridge game.
At times like these, I'm very thankful for this specific group of friends. They are all amazing, intelligent and beautiful women - and I can't begin to imagine how much heavier my heart would be right now if they weren't all there to help shoulder some of the pain.
Which friend or acquaintance most influenced your taste in music?
Submitted by Rev Stan.
There are several people who influenced my taste in music, really; it's hard to say which one was the most influential. So, I submit my list, in order of their influence on my musical tastes:
Cherry: From Cherry, I discovered some of the greatest bands ever (Queen, the Ramones, Blondie, Talking Heads, X, the Go-Go's). To this day, anything I hear by the Ramones or Blondie reminds me of her. ("Beat on the Brat", especially.) You have to understand - Cherry was (and arguably still is) the coolest person I've ever known. She had a car before any of my other friends did. Sure, it's because she's older than all of us, but she's also way cooler than the rest of us. I also hold her, along with my sister, responsible for introducing me to the greatest radio station ever: KROQ.
My sister: To my sister, I owe my days of early Angst music: Depeche Mode, Peter Murphy, General Public, Allison Moyet, Yaz, and Erasure, to name a few. She was also the one who introduced me to the musical stylings of Oingo Boingo, 10,000 Maniacs, and Voice of the Beehive. I also clearly remember the summer of 1983 when she came back from her trip to New York (her graduation present - she was valedictorian of her class in elementary school) with tapes from a little band from Birmingham called Duran Duran.
Mylah: As the one in the group closest to my age, Mylah had a lot of influence on my musical taste. I owe my love for the Smiths (and, by extension, Morrissey), the Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Love and Rockets, the B-52s, the Cars and a number of other bands to her. She tried to get me interested in more classic rock (Pink Floyd, Led Zepplin, the Doors), but that didn't really make itself manifest until years later.
Melissa: From Melissa, I grew to appreciate Adam Ant, Culture Club, and Prince. It's a strange combination, I know, but you have to keep in mind it was spread out over a few years.
Freni: I picked up my appreciation for Wham! (and, subsequently, George Michael) and Hall and Oats. For some odd reason, I want to attribute the Motels and Missing Persons to her, but I could be mistaken. (The early '80s were such a blur - and I spent the whole decade sober!)
Faye: I owe New Order, OMD, INXS, U2 and the Pet Shop Boys to Faye. In other words, she listened to a lot of music with clever, thought-provoking lyrics that didn't make you want to go home and slit your wrists. It's hard to believe some of that actually existed back in the day. Hmm.
Thomas: Once I got to high school, I finally gained an appreciation for more classic rock. Thomas reintroduced me to Journey, REO Speedwagon, and Pink Floyd, but I also owe him for KISS, AC/DC, and Van Halen.
Chris: Chris has rounded out my musical tastes, I think, and provided me with a bit of musical knowledge, too. After all, without him I would have spent my days convinced that "Ring of Fire" was originally recorded by Social Distortion.
Looking over this list, it almost looks like I was such the musical follower - and, to a large degree, I probably was. After all, when you're 5 years old and the coolest person in the world (Cherry) is telling you that the Ramones are cool, well, then you believe the Ramones are cool. And then you learn all the words to "I Wanna Be Sedated" and sing them at the top of your lungs though you have no idea what it means to be sedated.
Not that something like that ever happened to me.
So, I just got an e-mail from Alyne's husband announcing the birth of their baby boy this past Sunday. The greatest surprise was that he (whom we shall call Baby R) came two weeks and six days early, much like my own Baby C (who was exactly three weeks early). And just as cool is that she gave birth without an epidural, much like I did! How awesome is that?
Now here's the part where I offer up a prayer of thanks for my own son and another prayer of hope and thanksgiving for theirs.
Baby R isn't home yet; he's currently in the NICU at the major hospital here in Central Florida. Thankfully, Alyne had been getting the best prenatal care and visited with specialists at the major hospital several times. In addition, the specialists at this hospital are among the Southeast Region's best, so little Baby R is getting the very best expert treatment possible. All the same, I can only imagine how difficult it is for them, and how difficult the next few weeks will be as they will periodically return to the hospital for follow-up visits.
As much as I would love to call and visit and see Baby R, I know all too well how precious that first week is with a new baby, and how much I treasured those infrequent moments alone with my husband and child. So, I'll give her some space... for now. Besides, I'm not the only friend she has!
But I'm so excited for her!!!
First, a little note about my own. Baby C is now 11-1/2 weeks old and, at 13 pounds 5 ounces, is only 5 ounces away from doubling his weight. I'm kind of blown away by that. He's not fat - in fact, he's really not even chunky - but he's just growing longer. He takes after his dad.
One of my good friends just entered Week 37 and is now further along in her pregnancy than I ever got in mine. (Baby C came on the first day of Week 37.) She's excited, nervous, and all those other emotions that flood in when you're that close to bringing a new person into the world. I'm excited because it means Baby C and I will be able to have play dates in about 3 months or so - totally selfish, I know.
Jen is steadily approaching Week 25, and the next 15 weeks are going to fly by so fast for her. Of course, her baby could be like Baby C and only give her another 12 weeks. Meanwhile, as Baby C outgrows his clothes, I've set up a box in his room to put the too-small items for Jen's little baby. (It's so nice to know his clothes will get a good amount of wear!)
And finally, one of my oldest and dearest friends from LA la land told me this past weekend that she is finishing up her first trimester for her first baby! I'm so excited!!!
So, Baby C won't be the youngest for too much longer. And my circle of mommy friends will grow steadily. And that makes me very happy.
Now, I realize there are lots of different kinds of support. What I'm questioning is how a limit - or more specifically, conditions - can be placed on emotional support.
I have a friend going through a rather tough time right now. She's had to make some very difficult decisions, and while I don't think I would have made the same choices in her shoes, I respect the fact that, as an adult, she is capable of making sound decisions that are right for her. More importantly, I support these decisions because right now, more than anything, that's what she needs. Well, that and a winning lottery ticket, but don't we all?
But I got a very frustrated message from her today indicating that some of her friends don't view the situation the same way, and they think she needs to do things their ways. So, I pose the question again: how can you put a limit on support? How can you make it conditional? I'm sure they have her best interests at heart (they don't want her to get hurt any more than she already has been, for example), but can't they see their own actions are causing her even more grief? It's not like these recent decisions have been easy to make - she's had to weigh a lot of factors before making her choices. I think the least I can personally do as her friend is (a) respect her decisions regardless of my own thoughts or feelings about it, (b) be supportive of her decisions, and (c) make myself available to her when she needs to celebrate the positive things, making sure to bite my tongue if she needs me to commiserate with her on the not-so-positive things.
[sigh] And I thought angst was just a teenage thing!
When I first moved to Orlando just over 7 years ago, what I missed more than anything was having my close girlfriends nearby. Sure, they were still a phone call away (though it required readjusting myself to PST), and Chris was (almost) always there to talk to, but still. Suddenly, I was completely deprived of being able to go out with my close girlfriends and behave however I wanted, knowing I wouldn't be judged. Not that I went out very often with my friends when I was back home, either, but there was always the knowledge that I had that ability.
Enter my friend Jen...
Jen and I have become very close friends over the past 4 years. She was the only former coworker I asked to be a bridesmaid in my wedding, and she was the only local bridesmaid crazy enough to help me make my invitations. (She was also the only one I asked, though - one lived too far away and I really didn't want to impose, and the other would have complained the whole time and I didn't want to listen to the constant barrage of, "There are companies that will make invitations for you, you know.") She drove the bulk of our wedding presents (and our leftover cake) back to Orlando from Lexington, and she came over after work multiple times when I was having my pre-wedding panic attacks.
We had lunch today (as we try to do at least once a week), and she brought along 3 pairs of shoes for me to try on and see if they would work with the dress I'm wearing for my sister-in-law's wedding this weekend. After all, even though I'm Filipino, I seemed to have missed out on the shoe-shopping gene, and since Jen and I wear the same size, anyway... But this little action made me realize how glad I am to have a close girlfriend in town - someone who understands me, doesn't judge me, and has clothes (and shoes) that I can borrow if need be, and someone to whom I'm happy to lend my things, too!
