Impromptu lunch plans
My friend Alyne e-mailed me today to see if we could do lunch. We had been trying to work it into our schedules to get together, and we finally managed it today. Of course, I'm a little disappointed because I had a few things to give to her that I left at home - but as that only means we have to meet up again another day, it's not a tragic thing. She, however (because lunch was her idea), had what she wanted to pass along to me. [sigh]
Alyne is 16 weeks along, just 11 weeks behind me. It's so weird to think that when she is as far along as I am now, there's a good chance my baby will be almost ready to be born! We commiserated a bit over our Vietnamese and Thai food - she, of course, feels self-conscious about her little bump, but after I told her that I had a bump like that when I was only 14 weeks along, she felt a bit better. I think it's cruel to make comments or pass judgements on a woman's size when she's pregnant. For one thing, we all have different frames. I happen to be 5'1" and normally a size 2. Alyne is about 5'8" and normally a size 8. Neither of us are particularly huge to begin with (well, I feel like I am now), and each pregnancy affects each woman differently.
We also chatted about our encounters with well-meaning ladies offering all sorts of advice on childrearing. I told her about one woman I've encountered who had all sorts of comments to make on the fact that we've already signed up for day care. It's almost as though this woman looks down on my decision to return to work. I happen to like my job and I really like the company where I work... in fact, I liken it to having a job at the Chocolate Factory! It's such a great, nurturing environment, and I absolutely love it here. And, as it turns out, day care costs less than my annual salary here, so...
Basically, we agreed that parenting (motherhood specifically) is going to be hard enough without having other women give us grief or try to make us second-guess our decisions to work or not, to breastfeed or use formula, to make baby food from scratch or not, to have our children sleep in a separate bedroom from day one or not. I'm sure the advice is well-meaning, and I may one day agree with such advice. But isn't it okay for me to want to learn some lessons the hard way?
Comments
I totally missed out on any "fun" during Eldest Son's infancy, b/c I was so freaked about doing everything "right". (also had a touch of post-partum depression, at that time undiagnosed -- watch out for that! When your doctor asks you those questions at your follow-up exam -- admit to it, if that's how you feel! They won't judge you, they will help you! But of course, if you don't have PPD, then don't worry about it.)
Then there are the mutually-contradictory books by "experts"; for someone who has always set great store by book-larnin', this was a big stressor for me. "Nurse him to sleep! Never nurse him to sleep! Lay him down and let him cry! Never let him cry! Co-sleeping is natural and normal and fosters good attachment! Co-sleeping is evil and dangerous and just plain wrong!"
And so on.
I was so much more relaxed with my third baby that I wished I could have gone back in time and re-done #1's infancy, and enjoyed him more.
Do what feels right for you and your baby to be safe, happy, fed and rested. All the other hogwash is just that.
And if you have to go back to work in order to feel happy in yourself, don't feel guilty about that. When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!
(You might be surprised, though, how much you miss him. And if you surprise yourself and DON'T want to go back to work, don't feel guilty about that, either.)
Another one of my girlfriends suggested I examine the source of these comments (particularly the woman I mentioned in my post). This woman really disapproved of my decision to return to work - even telling me that I will miss out on all his developmental firsts because they will happen while he's in daycare. The truth is (and my friend pointed this out to me) I could just as easily miss out on his first steps while I'm in the shower and my husband is watching him one afternoon, or miss his first high five because I was taking a nap while my mother was with him. But at the end of the day, if I can't afford to keep a roof over his head or save up for his future or do any of those other things that will matter to him when he can remember things (my sister, for example, got accepted to Northwestern University, her first choice, and to this day - 15 years after graduating from UCLA - is disappointed she didn't have the opportunity to go there), I will feel worse than I could possibly feel not witnessing his first raspberry.
I think I will follow the lead of the millions of mothers before me and do the best I can and only hope that it will be enough. I think I will feel guilty about whatever decisions I make no matter what they are, anyway - that's a mother's prerogative, after all.
I always thought that I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but when I was pregnant and it was about to become a reality, I realized that it was freaking me out a bit. I loved being a teacher and the thought of putting that completely on hold for at least 5 years until our son started school (and even longer if we have more kids). It was not the money that was making me want to work, it was the love of teaching....my profession....my job. Luckily, I am very blessed and I get a wonderful mix. With only working 9 hours a week teaching at the college as I complete another degree, I get to be a mommy 90% of the time and a working woman 10%. The pay check is smaller but the fulfillment I get is great!
So, to make a long comment short.....it is all about motivation. Few moms that I knew who went back to work said it was because they loved their jobs. I saw a passion in your words when you spoke about your job. Your motivation is different and that is important.